Portlanders love to rail against the droning masses. Gas-guzzling SUVs? We use bikes. Falling in line with authority? Read our middle finger! Wearing deodorant? Soap’s for wimps and stupid people who want to smell nice!
So, why is it that Portlanders love Apple products?
Tell us if you think this sounds like a good idea: go to a BMW dealership, steal a loaner car, then head to a Walmart in Chehalis to shoplift as much as your freshly-showered hands can carry. Oh, did we forget to mention that you got arrested and released a few days ago for breaking into a house, taking a shower and then calling the 911 on the homeowner because her doggies scared you?
We enjoy poking fun at Portland’s crazy liberal, unbelievably academic, drug-exploratory little college, Reed, as much as the next inane blog about Portland run by crazy nutjobs, but even this goes a little too far: someone in China has stolen photos from Reed’s website and has created a fake website, presumably to steal money from unsuspecting college applicants.
You missed the Black Friday sales due to a drunken stupor from your grandmother’s rum cake (not sure what else it had in it, but it definitely had rum) and enough tryptophan to knock out a rampaging herd of drug-immune Reedies who have a developed immunity to sleeping toxins after years of on-campus abuse of all things narcotic; that’s a LOT of tryptophan. Now, you’ve woken up and realized that you forgot to buy a gift for your impossible-to-shop-for relative/friend/other-of-some-significance who also happens to live in Portland.
In Portland, the worst kind of “natives” are the ones who moved here from somewhere else (in Portland, you can be a native by simply claiming to be one). Nothing ensures full development of Epic Portland Snobbery like moving here, acting like you’re the first to discover the city, then proceeding to proclaim that it just isn’t the same since all these people started moving here from elsewhere. For some odd reason, there’s a direct correlation between this attitude and being absolutely impossible to shop for.
Have no fear. Stumped in Stumptown has put together a list of gifts with just enough pretension to entertain and amuse even the most snobbish of Portland natives. In addition, we made sure to include some for every budget to ensure you’ll be able to find something cool for that special Portland person you care about (even if you’d rather not).