Remember how in the movie Ghostbusters, ghosts started appearing right before the Ghostbusters actually formed their team? In light of the recent string of really bizarre burglars, we’re starting to wonder if Portland’s going to get its own superhero soon.
First, it was the ATM Triple Threat Robber who stole from innocent Portlanders shortly after they made transactions at the exact, same ATM in NE. Granted, this guy wasn’t very creative, but he did wear a mask covering his face and making him look like a ninja. If you were squinting. And high.
He was followed by the Wet Bandit (random reference to Macaulay Culkin movies, anyone?). This schmuck got caught showering in someone else’s home. Though slightly sneakier than Triple Threat, the Wet Bandit turned into a sniveling baby when the homeowner’s pet puppies sniffed ferociously at the bathroom door. For more details on these two, check out our previous post about hipster criminals.
But, now, we have someone new to the scene. Someone even more ferocious than those who have come before. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Beastie Boys Bandit. Though possessing decent taste for music video references, this moronic criminal dresses in a suit, wigs and sunglasses just like the Beastie Boys did in the video for their song, Sabotage.
He’s been implicated in FOUR bank robberies so far, and now there’s a $6,000 reward out there for information leading to the arrest of his fuzzy butt.
Portland needs a hero. Java Man? Farmers Market Woman? Homeless Dude!?!?!? Dark Horse Comics is headquartered here – someone’s gotta be able to come up with something!
Leave your favorite Portland superhero in the comments (surely your ideas are better than ours).